It was my best friends idea. We were in Jamaica for spring break knocking back a few Red Stripes at the resort. He had heard about a nude beach in the area and suggested we go check it out. Not in the mood to see overexposed, overweight and overaged tourists ignoring all these reasons not to lie naked on the beach, I expressed my disdain.
"Oh, but it's not like that at all." He went on to tell me how one of the bartenders he'd been secretly carousing with had mentioned a secluded and little-known path adjacent to the resort that led to a small river which runs into the ocean. Only discerning clientele were informed about the location.
Hesitantly I agreed. I had been hitting the gym for months leading up to this vacation. Maybe I could finally get someone to appreciate the effort. These hard-nosed guys around the resort hadn't given me any play. Once we approached the beach I couldn't believe my eyes. What seemed like dozens of hunky Jamaican guys were splashing about in the water, lounging on the beach or having drinks at the makeshift bar. ALL NUDE!
I could not believe it. Someone walked up to us and told us we had to remove our clothes if we were going to stay. It was the bellman from the hotel! I had been working on him from the start, never getting the slightest response. Now, he gives me a smile and a nod as I disrobe, then points us to the bar. After a couple more Red Stripes and a rum punch I'm feeling wickedly seductive and set out to find the bellman. I guess he's the lifeguard also. I spot him sitting at waters edge with a whistle and a protective gaze.
I walk past him and slowly submerge myself in the river. At that very moment the world starts spinning and I feel naucious. As things go hazy I can see him running toward me.
The next thing I know I'm lying on that secluded path. He's staring down at me as I see another figure walking toward me. "Is he okay?" It was my best friend. "Ya mon, Everytings irie" the bellman said in a heavy accent. He looked back at me once more, then he was gone.
I couldn't believe what had happened. How embarrasing, how humiliating. He certainly wouldn't want a rendevous with me now! As we turned to head back to the resort something occured to me... "Robb, why does my ass hurt?"